One of my favorite quotes about marriage goes,
“You don’t marry one person, you marry three, the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being married to you.”
So before you get into wedlock, be very clear that your partner is and will not be the same person you knew as your boyfriend/girlfriend or even your fiance/fiancee.
I haven’t been married for long (just a little over 4 years), but here are some things I have learned through experience:
- Don’t include the family in all decisions
This is a big NO, especially when it comes to big decisions like “When to have a child?”, “Whether to buy a new car/home or not?”
Ask for the family’s advice, but the final say should be a mutual decision between just you and your husband/wife. Including everyone in the decision-making will later backfire when things might go wrong, and there will be accusations like, “But your mother said this…” and “We only did that because your father asked us to..”, etc. and so forth. Also, wouldn’t you like some privacy yourself too?
Ask for the family’s advice, but the final say should be a mutual decision between just you and your husband/wife.
But also, remember that if you’re not including family in the decision-making, make sure neither of your families is involved.
2. Keep some things to yourself and have a ‘me’ time activity
This is just the ‘you’ part. There’s absolutely no need to need to share all aspects of your life with your partner. You may start feeling like you’re losing your identity if you begin this practice. So do some things just for yourself and keep them to yourself.
Set aside some time just for yourself; read a book, go out for a walk, meet some friends, all without your partner. It’s not necessary to do everything together, always.
If you’re always doing everything together, you will soon get bored or start getting on each other’s nerves. Not to mention you feel start blaming each other for not engaging in your favorite activities like reading, cycling, jogging, et al..
Say your partner doesn’t like working out, so you also stop doing it, and ultimately you start putting on weight. You will likely blame your partner for it. So, rather than reaching that stage, why not start by doing it without them!
If you’re always doing everything together, you will soon get bored or start getting on each other’s nerves.
3. Respect your partner and their decisions (personal and, more importantly, professional ones)
The reason you have married your partner is that you fell in love with them or liked them. There must have been something good in them as a person for you to choose them as your life partner, right? So don’t forget this even while you disagree with them or have arguments with them.
Don’t forget why you married your partner, even while you disagree with them or have arguments with them.
4. Adjustments and compromises are required
No, you won’t have the freedom to walk out and do as you please any time of the day (or night). For example, you might want to go out for a movie, but he may want to “Netflix and Chill’ at home. Who wins?
Remember, the winner always has to be the relationship, and not ‘you’ or ‘me’.
Your priorities will change, and drastically so. You now have to think for two people, and every decision will affect both your lives. It’s a scary thought, but you might as well be prepared than regret it later.
You have to think for two people and every decision will affect both your lives.
5. Accept that you will always be the second woman or second man in their lives
This race for being better than the mother-in-law and father-in-law will never stop unless we accept that the husband will always choose his mother over his wife, and the wife will always choose her father over her husband. The sooner you accept this fact, the happier your married life will be.
The husband will always choose his mother over his wife, and the wife will always choose her father over her husband.
I am a novice when it comes to marriage advice. I’m still learning the big and small things around it myself while grappling about being a good life partner, but I hope these help!
Thank you for reading.